Infidelity counselling is a specialised, high-intensity form of therapy designed to handle "betrayal trauma." It is much more structured than general marriage counselling because the emotions involved—rage, devastation, and shame are often too volatile for a standard general session.

Most experts, including us, here at Hills Couples Counselling, may use the Gottman Method, which will break the process down into three distinct phases:

Atonement
Attunement
Attachment

Phase 1: Atonement (The Crisis Phase)

This is the "triage" stage. The goal isn't to fix the marriage yet; it's to stop the bleeding and counsel the couple.

  • The "No Contact" Rule: The therapist will usually require that the affair has completely ended and all contact with the third party is severed before work begins. We will not work with a client who is still communicating with the third party.
  • Radical Transparency: To lower the hyper vigilance of the betrayed partner, the "involved" partner often agrees to give full access to phones, emails, and calendars. This is a necessary step towards reclaiming trust.
  • The "Truth Telling" Sessions: The betrayed partner is given a safe space to ask questions. The counsellor will help the betrayed partner to express their feelings and navigate these without the conversation devolving into a "shouting match" or "pain-shopping" (asking for graphic details that only cause more trauma).

    Accountability without Defensiveness: The unfaithful partner must learn to listen to the other's pain without saying, "But you weren't giving me enough attention." They must take 100% responsibility for the choice to cheat.

Phase 2: Attunement (The Discovery Phase)

Once the crisis has calmed, the couple looks at the "Why." This is not about making excuses; it’s about understanding the "structural weaknesses" in the marriage that made it vulnerable.


  • Identifying the "Sliding Door" Moments: Looking back to see where the couple stopped turning toward each other and started turning away.
  • Emotional Re-engagement: Learning how to express needs like loneliness or feeling unappreciated before they turn into resentment.
  • Conflict Management: Learning new ways to argue that don't trigger the "Betrayal PTSD" symptoms (like flashbacks or panic attacks).

Phase 3: Attachment (The Rebuilding Phase)

In this final phase, the couple decides to build a "New Marriage." The old marriage is gone; this is about creating a version 2.0.

  • Reclaiming Intimacy: Rebuilding physical and sexual closeness at a pace that feels safe for the betrayed partner.
  • Creating Shared Meaning: Developing new rituals (like a weekly "State of the Union" meeting) and future goals that protect the relationship.
  • Forgiveness vs. Forgetting: Working toward a place where the affair is a "scar" on the relationship, visible and remembered, but no longer an open, painful wound.

    Of course, this is simply one of the methods and models we use at Hills Couples Counselling. As no two couples or circumstances are the same, we will discuss the most appropriate therapy model for you after our initial consultation.


    Vicki and James Childs - The Hills Love Doctors.


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