Explaining how Imago Therapy Works for Couples by James Childs, Sydney's Specialist Relationship Counsellor.

Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT) is a form of relationship counselling that focuses on transforming conflict into an opportunity for healing and growth. Developed by Dr Harville Hendrix and Dr Helen LaKelly Hunt in the 1980s, the premise is rooted in the idea that our childhood experiences shape our adult romantic attractions.

The core components of the therapy include:

1. The "Imago" (The Image)

The term "Imago" is Latin for "image." According to this theory, everyone carries an unconscious blueprint of "familiar love." This blueprint is constructed from both the positive and negative traits of our primary caregivers. We are often unconsciously drawn to partners who mirror these traits because our psyche is seeking an opportunity to "finish" or heal unresolved wounds from childhood.

2. The Purpose of Conflict

In Imago therapy, conflict is not seen as a sign that a couple is "wrong" for each other. Instead, it is viewed as a natural process where the subconscious is trying to bring old wounds to the surface to be repaired. The "power struggle" phase of a relationship is seen as the bridge to a deeper, more conscious connection.

3. The Imago Dialogue

The primary tool used in this therapy is a structured communication technique designed to move partners out of a reactive state and into a reflective one. It consists of three steps:

  • Mirroring: Repeating back what the partner said to ensure they were heard correctly ("What I heard you say is...").
  • Validation: Acknowledging that the partner's perspective makes sense, even if you don't agree with it ("That makes sense to me because...").
  • Empathy: Attempting to feel the emotional state of the partner ("I imagine you might be feeling...").

4. Conscious Partnership

The ultimate goal is to move from an "Unconscious Marriage" (reacting based on old wounds) to a "Conscious Marriage." This involves:

  • Recognising that your partner is not your enemy, but a wounded person trying to heal.
  • Taking responsibility for communicating your own needs clearly rather than through criticism.
  • Viewing the relationship as a "sacred space" that must be kept safe from negativity.


I have recently completed further training in Imago Therapy and am available to discuss your relationship and couples counselling needs with you.

James Childs. Specialist Couples Counsellor. Norwest, Sydney. Registered Counsellor, Clinical Hypnotherapist. Member of MAREAA.